How to Chase a Good Man…Away
Note in the title, the man has to be a good man, a good catch – if you can chase him down without chasing him away.
So, my professing Christian sisters, what is a good man? In a nutshell, he will love God more than he will love you. His love for God will show in how he treats you. In particular, a Good Man:
- will accept his duty to provide for you and the kids;
- will be a long-term thinker who’s not afraid of responsibility and commitment;
- will protect your honor as much as your physical and emotional well-being;
- will honor your femininity without taking advantage of you;
- will value your perspective, wisdom and insights;
- will be a consistent and reliable leader;
- remains a man at all times.
Plus, he’ll have a good sense of humor, a good family background, a good advanced education, a good job and the salary to match, good kitchen and babysitting skills, and good looks. Oh, and he can’t have any emotional baggage whatsoever.
Yeah, right! Sounds like a one of those fake knights in shining armor in a Tyler Perry movie! Good luck with that!
It goes without saying, there’s no such thing as the perfect man. But there are some reasonably good catches out there, and the best ones are those who love God and want to obey and serve Him in every area of their lives, including relationships.
Can you handle it, my sisters? Since it also goes without saying that there’s no perfect woman, are you still a good enough woman to handle a good imperfect man? Some of you Christian ladies have good men and you know it. Some of you have them and you don’t know it. Some of you don’t have them and want them. And some of you have them but you just don’t seem to care.
Let me be clear: There’s so much talk about “Woman, thou art loosed!” and “Happy wife, happy life” but not nearly enough balanced talk about “Happy husband, happy life.” What, it’s only means something if it rhymes? Relationships and marriage are not all about what’s going to keep the wife happy. The husband has to be kept happy, too.
I’m talking as a Christian wife here, married for almost 28 years. Trust me, waving your women’s empowerment church hats in the air is the quickest way to chase a good man away, because it means you respect other women’s men like T.D. Jakes, Tyler Perry (he’s got a baby-mama now), Joel Osteen and Dr. Phil more than you respect your own man. And even a good man will only take so much.
Let me give you a hypothetical but not so unusual example. Sister Wilma needs marital advice and calls Sister Kay, who’s the wife of Deacon Don at church. Here’s how the conversation goes as Sister Kay answers the phone:
Sister Kay (this is how she always greets people): Praise the Lord!
Sister Wilma: Hi, Kay, it’s me, Wilma. Got a minute?
Sister Kay: Oh, sure, girl, no problem. I was only talking to Don. He had another awful day at work – he might get laid off – but he can wait. You know I’ll drop anything for my girls! [Changes voice to fake sweet:] Don, honey, you need to leave the room, please. Sister Wilma really needs me right now so let’s talk about your job and your mother’s hip surgery when I have time. While you’re waiting, you can finish the kitchen and get all the kids to bed – oh, and walk the dogs. You’re the best! [Back to Wilma and her normal voice:] I swear, sometimes he acts like a little boy! Anyway, Wilma, what’s wrong, dear?
Sister Wilma: I just need to know what to do about Norman. I’m really starting to resent him and if he doesn’t stop shutting me out – well, let’s just say I’m running out of options at this point.
Sister Kay: Girl, say no more! I know exactly what the problem is. Don’t you know that the Bible says somewhere that the Proverbs 31 woman is a meek and quiet woman?
Sister Wilma: I thought that was in 1 Peter Chapter 3—
Sister Kay: Whatever. Don’t interrupt. The point is, you need to stop right now and repent before God. Just submit to Norman no matter what, and let it go like it says there in, uh, in the New Testament somewhere. You know, “weary not in well-doing and in due season, your husband will come around.” Trust me, I’ve been a Christian a long time, I know what I’m talking about.
Sister Wilma: That’s not what it says—
Sister Kay: Look, as long as he’s doing what he’s supposed to be doing – you know, working, coming home at night, and providing food, shelter and jewelry – then all you need to do is just die to self like the Bible says. That’s right, that’s how I got Deacon Don so trained – although he has been out with his buddies a lot lately…
Sister Wilma: But Kay, listen, God gave me real feelings that I just can’t ignore anymore, not to mention a brain to think for myself with, and eyes to see when things just aren’t right. It sounds like you’re saying that God wants me to use these things – my heart and my mind – in every area of my life but the most important one: my marriage. Is that really what the Bible means about dying to self? And can I really train my husband?!
Sister Kay: Oh, absolutely, you can train your man. If nothing else, withhold sex from him. That’ll teach him.
Sister Wilma: But what about my other ques—
Sister Kay: What’s that, Wilma? Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention. Preachers of L.A. is on. What did you say?
Sister Wilma: Never mind. Thanks, Kay. You’ve certainly given me something to, um, think about. Thanks for the, uh, help.
[They hang up, then Sister Kay immediately calls Sister Mildred:] Girl, you won’t believe this but Wilma and Norman are getting a divorce!
This fictional but all too real chick Kay is just as bad as the women who outright bulldoze over their men. What both types of women have in common is this: they can potentially chase a good man away.
The real problem is, both types of women don’t love God more than they love themselves. If they did, they would honor their men from the heart and not just by lip service. They would respect his leadership. They would put his needs before their own, doing unto him as they demand he do unto them. They would have what Matthew Henry calls “a composed, calm and quiet spirit” which he says “renders a woman truly beautiful and lovely.”
What would most godly Christian men prefer in the long run? A woman who’s fine to look at but hard to live with? Or a woman whose truest beauty emanates from the adornment she takes care to nurture on the inside? Besides, how can happiness last after that fine flesh starts to fade?
A good, lasting relationship – one that honors God – takes a good Christian woman and a good Christian man both aligning their attitudes and desires to what the Lord says is most important, putting their Christian character as first priority and then letting that show in how they treat each other.
So, to all the passive-aggressive Kays and outright bulldozers who leave their good men laid out flat, I want to close with the following list of various ways to chase a good man away. This list is derived from “32 Ways to Destroy Your Marriage” that I got from a Titus 2 Workshop by Christown Women’s Bible Study in Phoenix, Arizona.
How to Chase a Good Man…Away
- Be his “holy spirit.”
- Be his “mother.”
- Correct him, especially in front of others.
- Try to change him.
- Keep him humble.
- Cry a lot.
- Don’t worry about your appearance.
- Give him the silent treatment.
- Make cutting, belittling remarks.
- Talk too much.
- Don’t show interest in what he likes.
- Be generally irritable and complain.
- Nag, nag, nag.
- Compare him with other men.
- Make him pay for past mistakes.
- Get him to communicate by arguing with him.
- Create a sloppy atmosphere at home.
- Never compliment him.
- Always make love to your husband in the dark; never let him see you naked.
- Let your marriage bedroom be a catch-all.
- Don’t get excited about lovemaking (again, for married couples).
- Always be a wife, never a girlfriend.
- Compare him unfavorably with your father.
- Be indifferent to him.
- Reveal his secrets to others.
- Use sex as a weapon, punishment or revenge (again, in marriage)
- Call him sloppy or disgusting.
- Never tell him, “I was wrong,” “I’m sorry” or “You’re right.”
- Say, “You always” and “You never.”
- Don’t go with him when he asks.
Let me know if you need clarification on anything!