Yearly Archive: 2015

John Trent “The Blessing” Book Series: Review 1 – To the Wife

Back in 2004, I had come to the conclusion that Christian marriage was all about dying to self. It sounded so noble and felt so true after 17 years of a less than storybook marriage at that point. We had no major problems, none of the big-time sins. But it was still tough. And I’m married to a pastor. And I was already reaching and counseling Christian women. Yeah, marriage had become a role of daily martyrdom for me.

But then, hallelujah!, God had me cross paths with a group of older Christian women who had a Bible study focused on what they called the “Titus 2 Principles” for wives, based on Titus 2:3-5:

Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored. (NASB)

I already knew the proper doctrine of submission, having a meek and quiet spirit (1 Peter 3:1-6), and the other basics. But this was the first women’s study I had ever been to that gave practical tips for living out those principles in my daily life. Five-second kisses, regular verbal affirmations, don’t correct him in front of others, be his wife and lover, not his mother or “holy spirit,” the ministry of “shut up,” and so on.

I was a sponge for this information, I did my best to put the tips into daily practice, and sometimes I saw God move – even if sometimes the only thing He did was to bring peace to my heart and mind. Practical tips really helped me “get it” for my own marriage – no, it’s not just about dying to self but joyfully giving the best of yourself to God first by obeying His instructions on loving and respecting our husbands. God always deserves it even when our husbands sometimes don’t. (At least we think they don’t, and sometimes they really don’t. But sometimes – how often, ladies? – we really don’t either. Just saying.)

It’s those practical tips of John Trent’s 30 Ways a Wife Can Bless Her Husband” that made me connect with this book the most.

For one, many of the tips Trent gives are the same as what I learned starting with those wonderful ladies in 2004. Confirmation from an unrelated source is always an encouragement that you’ve been on the right track. And, of course, the tips that were new to me have been added to my “to do list” of specific actions that reflect that I love my husband.

In fact, the book brought me to tears a little bit before I even reached page 10! And I was quite convicted by some parts in the book, which I appreciate. I consider myself a good, yielding and supportive wife, and my husband says it often enough himself. I just still have a few things to work on.

But I also truly want to be a blessing to my husband every day. He has been through a lot, in business and in ministry as a pastor, for years now. I truly have a heart to be the bright spot in his tough life, every day if possible. And yet, I fall short, and I know it. Like the Apostle Paul, my spirit and my flesh are at regular war against each other so that I do what I don’t want to do and I don’t do what I know I should do.

But I digress.

I was given an advanced reader copy of 30 Ways a Wife Can Bless Her Husband in exchange for my review – good or bad. I would not do it if I couldn’t be honest about it. I don’t need a free book that bad. So, here’s my honest assessment.

I give John Trent’s 30 Ways a Wife Can Bless Her Husband a B grade. It provides invaluable practical information that a Christian wife can start trying in her marriage before she even finishes reading the whole book. Also, it is easy to read and follow. Its foundational principles and tips are simple to understand, are expressed in a friendly, caring voice, and are organized in an easy to follow flow.

Furthermore, the book’s topic is still very relevant for Christian couples today, especially in a time where there’s a heightened emphasis on women’s empowerment and self-determination, the false doctrine of mutual submission in marriage, and the resurgence of secular women’s liberation, all of which have found their way into the Christian church. Not to mention the changing social landscape that has challenged the institution of marriage, gender roles and gender identity. How refreshing 30 Ways a Wife Can Bless Her Husband is in the midst of that landscape!

Furthermore, Trent for the most part uses God’s Word, the Bible, as the basis for his overall principles. This is an absolute must, since 2 Timothy 3:16-17 tells us that all scripture is profitable for equipping for good works. Indeed, all of Chapter 3 (into Chapter 4) gives predictions for the last days that, in my opinion, are unfolding before our very eyes today, including verses 6 and 7 which talk about gullible women.

So, why not an A grade for 30 Ways a Wife Can Bless Her Husband? For one, it doesn’t adequately, if at all, mention the importance of wives blessing their husbands even when it’s very hard to. I’m not talking about situations of domestic abuse or unrepentant adultery. But there are plenty of Christian marriages where, no matter what the wife does to “set the temperature” in the home or respect him or love him, her husband remains indifferent, cold, oblivious, self-centered, hard to please, lazy, insensitive, impatient, non-supportive, sexually disinterested, or some other constant problematic disposition. No matter what she does to bless him, he remains difficult to live with. This problem is too common in Christian marriages for Trent, a marriage and family therapist, not to give it more attention here.

A bigger concern I have about 30 Ways a Wife Can Bless Her Husband is its somewhat liberal interpretations of some scriptures and/or biblical concepts. For example, he takes 1 Timothy 5:8 out of context when he uses it to support his otherwise accurate statement that our husband is our first calling as Christian wives. First Timothy 5:8 states, But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. (NASB) The problem is that the context here is about widows, not marriage.

A similar error is made in reference to Ephesians 1:3, which says this: Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ, (NASB). But Trent uses it to say this: “and you can enjoy all these blessings now.” However, the subsequent verses are talking about the spiritual blessings associated with eternal life in Christ, not temporal blessings for life here and now. Scripture is taken out of context unnecessarily, causing the reader to potentially miss the real truth of what God is saying in the passage.

Another example is when Trent claims, “In Scripture the word life means movement; things that are alive are moving towards someone or something. The word death means to step away.” I know this is not intended to be a theological book, and is certainly not an apologetic one either (that is, it’s not intended as a defense of the Gospel of sound biblical doctrine). But I try to be a stickler on proper biblical interpretation because I don’t want to be misled or, as in the important topic of marriage, given false hope. I wish Trent gave some sort of qualifier as to how he came up with these definitions of “life” and “death.” But he doesn’t.

Sure, living things move and interact. And I guess in some sense dead things “step away” from being alive. But Trent makes this claim as though no further qualification is needed even though, at least from what I can see, the Bible doesn’t say or imply these meanings. I think the same point could be made in the context of the book without attributing these meanings to the Scriptures.

The last concern is how Trent ends his book emphasizing how “revolutionary” the application of his principles and tips can be in a marriage. While I agree that they can certainly make a difference, I just wish Trent’s enthusiasm wasn’t bordering on presenting unmeasured and unrealistic hope.

I also personally cringe at the use of the word “crazy” to describe the work of God in any area of our lives. I hope I’m not straining at a gnat here, but nothing about our Christian faith and lives should be called crazy and neither should that be encouraged. Trent’s biblical principles and tips, as long as they are based solidly on the Word of God without embellishment, don’t need to be stated in such dramatic terms in order to be impactful. God’s Word doesn’t need the help.

So, would I recommend 30 Ways a Wife Can Bless Her Husband to anyone? Yes. Yes, I would. It’s intended to be easy to read and apply in your life, and I think it’s successful at it. But I also would caution the reader to have her Bible in hand, to check out all of the Scripture references in context, to see if what Trent says is true.

30 Ways a Wife Can Bless Her Husband is part of a four-part series by Trent, and I look forward to reading the remaining three books and sharing my thoughts as I go along.

Let me know if you have any questions or thoughts, and I will respond as soon as I can.

I Need Taller Boots (or a Big Shovel)

This article is about properly processing profound preaching.

You saw what I just did there, right? The alliteration with the “pr” sound? It’s one of a number of techniques used in sermons to make the message seem more profound, more deep. Other techniques are to add corresponding background music, strategic pausing, rhythmic verbal pacing, and instructions to “turn to your neighbor and say…”, and even sprinkling in some impressive Greek and Hebrew.

Rhyming seems to have a similar effect. Here’s an example I heard recently: “You’re not a loser, you’re a chooser!” Well, since you put it that way, Amen! That’s certainly an easier way to stamp a message on the brain than something less succinct and memorable like, “In spite of your mistakes, shortcomings and even failures, you can still be an achiever in life because you can control the decisions you make for yourself that can impact your short- and long-term success.” Snore. Both statements are true and can inspire. But rhyming packs more punch, doesn’t it?

Rhyming, alliteration, tone and voice inflections, even background music to set the mood – all of these are powerful tools in effective communication. Generally, they draw added attention and emphasis to a presenter’s point. Sometimes I use alliteration and rhyming in my article titles and content for that same purpose. (Hmm, how can I add music to my blog posts?) Even if I didn’t, there’s still nothing wrong with it.

Except if the message itself is powerful enough without all the bells and whistles. Or worse, if it’s done with ulterior motives. If they’re done out of tradition, as we see in historically Black denominations, or just out of an individual preacher’s personal style, there’s no problem with that. But often such techniques are used in some Christian circles specifically in order to make a message appear more real and true, as though God’s Word actually needs help.

Some of these preachers use these techniques to illicit more head nods, Amens, hand-waving and other outward affirmations – get this – even if, or especially if, what’s being said is not quite biblically right. They are used for the specific purpose of tapping into the hearers’ emotions more than their intellect. Not always to the exclusion of the intellect, but to have the emotions more than the intellect be what makes the hearer decide how profound, how deep, how true the preacher’s message is. “How was church yesterday?” “Oh, pastor was on point!” “That’s great! What was his message about?” “I don’t really remember, but he had me dancing in the aisles!”

Please don’t misunderstand me. Let me say again that there’s nothing inherently wrong with using various techniques to heighten emotion, particularly when it’s warranted. If a preacher wants to shout at the top of his lungs that “Christ is risen!”, then – praise God! – I’ma shout it, too, if I want. Not because the Gospel needs our help to have real meaning, but because shouting can be a completely organic, Holy Spirit-generated response to an everlastingly awesome truth. He is risen, indeed! PRAISE JESUS!!

It’s just that shouting it – or rhyming it, or adding music to it – doesn’t make it true. And not shouting it, or not nodding to it, or not saying Amen on cue, doesn’t make it less true. It’s true because it’s true. And that makes it profound and deep without all the clever oratory and musical accompaniment.

What’s more, the degree to which a hearer is or is not outwardly demonstrative has absolutely nothing to do with how spiritual or unspiritual they really are. I know too many believers who show little emotion during a powerful sermon but who demonstrate the truths of God’s Word through the fruit they consistently bear in their daily walk with Christ. And I know too many other people who are quick to dance in the aisles at church as if they weren’t just dancing at the pole at the club the night before.

But I digress.

Sometimes people respond outwardly to a technique-filled sermon because they feel they have to. As I discuss in my article, The Emperor has no Clothes, nobody wants to appear like they don’t “get it.” That’s where the “taller boots” come in. “I must need taller boots,” a person might think, “because this sounds so deep, and everybody’s amen-ing and waving their hands, but I don’t understand a word of it.” Especially after the preacher has a habit of saying things like, “Come on, somebody!” or “Y’all ain’t hearing me!” or “You’re not ready for this!” or “I know this is going to sound crazy but…”

Sometimes taller boots are in order. Sometimes a sermon or message can honestly be over our heads. That’s okay, because it’s nothing that a follow-up email to the pastor requesting further explanation, or more personal reading and study, along with prayer for the Holy Spirit’s illumination, can’t fix. Many portions of the Bible are hard to understand. They are very profound, they are very deep. So, kudos to any preacher who can break it down, and to any hearer whose boots are already tall enough to grasp it or who desires taller boots. It’s worth the extra elbow grease.

But we all know, there are too many preachers who just simply fake the funk. They want so much to be affirmed. They work so desperately to lead a big church. They need so badly to be better than their peers (e.g., “Preachers of L.A.” and “Preachers of Detroit”). They desire so strongly to be invited to the table of the “Big Dogs” like T.D. Jakes or Creflo Dollar. So they rely heavily on clever techniques to prove they are spiritually profound, able to wax “elephants,” just as “anointed” as the competition (and isn’t that sad), and just as able to move people to dance in the aisles with their tithes in hand.

In my genuine passion, I’m using repetition myself right now to help me get my own point across. So, again, my problem is not that techniques are being used. My problem is that too often the motive behind the use of them is self-serving. I get no personal benefit with my use of technique here. Can we say the same for some of these preachers out there?

One of the worst self-serving techniques is changing the Word of God, twisting it just enough – or outright butchering it – to give people what they want to hear instead of what God has for them to hear. The goal is self-serving because it gets more people to go to your church, which equates ultimately to more money.

But greed isn’t the only motivation for these preachers. Pride causes them to try to come up with a new “revelation” (gimmick) so that they’ll seem hyper-anointed and untouchable in scholarly biblical knowledge. Or they’ll invent new doctrine by taking Holy Scripture out of context to fit what they’re doing in their personal lives.

Jamal Bryant, pastor of Empowerment Temple AME Church in Baltimore, did this shortly after his adultery was exposed. He preached a sermon entitled, “I’m Still the Man,” (on YouTube) based on when the prophet Nathan told King David, “You are the man!” (2 Samuel 12:7 NIV) after David’s adultery with Bathsheba and murder of her husband. Bryant took a moment of harsh rebuke against David from God’s Word and turned it around into our modern-day euphemism, “You the man!” Uh, Jamal, did you read the whole story (starting at verse 1)? Nathan was not paying David a compliment!

Tourè Roberts, pastor of One Church in Hollywood, justified divorcing his wife of almost 20 years by twisting the scripture that says, “What God has put together, let no man put asunder” into the point that it wasn’t God who put him and his first wife together, so he wasn’t disobeying. Shortly thereafter, he then married Sarah Jakes this past fall, borrowing from his new, mega-famous father-in-law TD Jakes’ bizarre interpretation from the creation story about how Tourè and Sarah were soul mates from before the foundation of the world. Sarah was his rib, while his first wife was just a place holder. (My husband’s internet radio show, “What Does the Bible Say?”, did a four-part series entitled “Tourè Roberts’ Soul Mates Message from Hell,” which you can listen to at and scroll down to the October 26 – November 16, 2014 archived broadcasts.)

Creflo Dollar, pastor of World Changers International in Atlanta, is particularly notorious for waxing elephants with wildly unbiblical doctrine – so much so that my husband, who watches him and TD Jakes almost daily and records their programs regularly, has dubbed Dollar’s show, “Word Changers.” Over the years Dollar has preached that the tithe is the “covenant connector” between God and believers (oh yeah, and then there’s the Cross, too), that God has to bless us with material “stuff,” and most lately that believers’ sins don’t block God’s blessings since there’s no condemnation in Christ. He is such an engaging speaker, and he delivers his messages as if this crap is obviously true, how could you not “get it.” Dollar knows psychology (I think he has a degree in it) and if you’re not careful, he’ll make you think the problem is, not his false teaching, but you.

But I’m here to tell you, you don’t need taller boots, you need a big shovel to dig yourself out of that mess. The shovel is the Word of God, your Bible. As hard as much of it may be to understand, we Christians have to stop being afraid of it or lazy with it. The Bible is not as hard to read and grasp as we allow ourselves to think, and as some of these preachers want us to believe. Put more trust and confidence in the reading comprehension skills the Good Lord gave you, that we all started learning in Kindergarten, and that you use every waking moment in every other area of your life where reading is involved.

Forgive me if I’m being condescending, and I know that reading and writing don’t have to be everybody’s favorite things like they are mine. But I urge all of us to give ourselves more credit when it comes to understanding the Bible, comprehending its principles for practical Christian thinking and living even in the 21st Century, and becoming increasingly able to distinguish between biblical truth and false doctrine.

False doctrine is dangerous. It can provide immediate gratification but no preparation when fear, doubt or difficult times come. And they will come. It can give you a false sense of hope so that, when you learn the hard way that you’ve been knee-deep in profound crap, you might abandon the faith altogether because you haven’t been given any real direction on how to get out of it. It gives you a distorted view of Almighty God, so that you see Him more as your magic genie than as your merciful Lord. This can then lead you to being a bad witness to non-believers, only fueling their reasons for continuing to reject Jesus.

How is it that critics of the Gospel can see right through these manipulative preachers and so many of us can’t? Why do we keep our Bibles closed but put all our trust in this preachers? They’re only dangling carrots with their empty promises of prosperity, deliverance, “your best life now,” “purpose,” “destiny” and “becoming who you are in Christ.” And yet, time after time after time, the masses cling to their every word in spite of the fact that there’s no lasting joy or peace for the vast majority of them, even though they keep hoping beyond hope that this year will finally be their “season.”

Besides, how can I “become” what I already “am” in Christ? And how can I block my “destiny” when by definition I’m already destined for it? And what in the world does “walking in purpose” even mean? We have only one purpose as Christians: to glorify God on this earth. These trendy, New Millennium buzz words in the Christian church are nothing more than a smokescreen over an agenda to glorify our own dreams, our own empowerment, our own greatness – and, of course, the mighty men and women of God who so profoundly bestowed upon us such great revelations.

And that’s idolatry.

Or maybe it’s me who doesn’t “get it.” Maybe I’m the one who needs taller boots. Nope, not even for a moment should I think that. I’m no Bible snob, I have no formal training, I have no special insight into Scripture. I’ve just been reading the Bible throughout my Christian life, studying it for research and writing purposes, asking questions about things I don’t understand (still have to do that), measuring everything anybody else says by it (including my pastor husband at his insistence), and seeing the Lord confirm it over and over again. Every time I read it, I get something new out of it. Not new revelation, because all Scripture is already thoroughly profitable (2 Timothy 3:15-17); but new illumination, new insight, new growth. I just read it and practice it as best as I can. What’s so special or hard about that?

If we’re not careful, or if our own hearts are focused more on getting from God than on giving to Him, we’re more than just knee-deep in the crap of profound false doctrine. We’re in quicksand.

When you find yourself sinking fast in quicksand, you need a long and sturdy lifeline, and somebody strong and steady enough themselves to be able to help pull you out. I promise you, it’s not yet another “deep” but empty pep talk from some self-impressed preacher with a knack for working a crowd and giving them everything they want to hear but very little of what they really need. You’ll feel good and motivated for a minute, until life hits during the week and you’re back to square one, needing that emotional fix that’s waiting for your return, and your tithe, each and every Sunday.

Let the Holy Bible be your lifeline. Let God’s precious Word be your “fix.” You don’t need to wait for Sunday’s “deep” sermon to be nourished and encouraged during the week. Most of us have more than one Bible at our disposal 24/7, including tablet and smartphone apps. Just read it. Regularly. And consistently. You’ll soon see just how much of it you really can understand. Biblical principles, hundreds of fulfilled prophecies, awesome miracles, valuable life lessons, the resurrection of Jesus, the sweet story of the Gospel, and the anticipation of eternal life with God in heaven – all of the Bible is profound enough without preachers adding their superfluous dramatics and doctrinal twists.

The love of God, His majesty and power, His compassion and grace, His immeasurable wisdom, and His magnificent plan for the redemption of mankind through Jesus Christ are plainly and simply presented in the Bible. Any preacher who knowingly and willfully changes it should be avoided and exposed unless and until he repents.

Perhaps my next article will be about judging.

In the meantime, maybe you can start your reading habit with the following passages: Acts 17:11; Romans 16:17-18; Ephesians 4:11-16; 1 Timothy 6:2c-3:10; 2 Timothy 3:1-7; 3:15-17; 4:1-4. Then, read the Gospel of John or Luke, the Book of Acts, and/or the Book of Romans.

I welcome your comments, except if they’re purposely offensive and resort to calling me out of my name because I’ve made you mad but you have no better way to refute what I’m saying.

Thank you to my sister in the Lord, Denice Todd, for letting me borrow “I need taller boots” for the title of this article. I began writing this article before I became aware of Tourè Roberts’ (pastor of One Church in Hollywood) Resurrection Day sermon, which you can see and hear on YouTube.

How to Chase a Good Man…Away

Note in the title, the man has to be a good man, a good catch – if you can chase him down without chasing him away.

So, my professing Christian sisters, what is a good man? In a nutshell, he will love God more than he will love you. His love for God will show in how he treats you. In particular, a Good Man:

  • will accept his duty to provide for you and the kids;
  • will be a long-term thinker who’s not afraid of responsibility and commitment;
  • will protect your honor as much as your physical and emotional well-being;
  • will honor your femininity without taking advantage of you;
  • will value your perspective, wisdom and insights;
  • will be a consistent and reliable leader;
  • remains a man at all times.

Plus, he’ll have a good sense of humor, a good family background, a good advanced education, a good job and the salary to match, good kitchen and babysitting skills, and good looks. Oh, and he can’t have any emotional baggage whatsoever.

Yeah, right! Sounds like a one of those fake knights in shining armor in a Tyler Perry movie! Good luck with that!

It goes without saying, there’s no such thing as the perfect man. But there are some reasonably good catches out there, and the best ones are those who love God and want to obey and serve Him in every area of their lives, including relationships.

Can you handle it, my sisters? Since it also goes without saying that there’s no perfect woman, are you still a good enough woman to handle a good imperfect man? Some of you Christian ladies have good men and you know it. Some of you have them and you don’t know it. Some of you don’t have them and want them. And some of you have them but you just don’t seem to care.

Let me be clear: There’s so much talk about “Woman, thou art loosed!” and “Happy wife, happy life” but not nearly enough balanced talk about “Happy husband, happy life.” What, it’s only means something if it rhymes? Relationships and marriage are not all about what’s going to keep the wife happy. The husband has to be kept happy, too.

I’m talking as a Christian wife here, married for almost 28 years. Trust me, waving your women’s empowerment church hats in the air is the quickest way to chase a good man away, because it means you respect other women’s men like T.D. Jakes, Tyler Perry (he’s got a baby-mama now), Joel Osteen and Dr. Phil more than you respect your own man. And even a good man will only take so much.

Let me give you a hypothetical but not so unusual example. Sister Wilma needs marital advice and calls Sister Kay, who’s the wife of Deacon Don at church. Here’s how the conversation goes as Sister Kay answers the phone:

Sister Kay (this is how she always greets people): Praise the Lord!

Sister Wilma: Hi, Kay, it’s me, Wilma. Got a minute?

Sister Kay: Oh, sure, girl, no problem. I was only talking to Don. He had another awful day at work – he might get laid off – but he can wait. You know I’ll drop anything for my girls! [Changes voice to fake sweet:] Don, honey, you need to leave the room, please. Sister Wilma really needs me right now so let’s talk about your job and your mother’s hip surgery when I have time. While you’re waiting, you can finish the kitchen and get all the kids to bed – oh, and walk the dogs. You’re the best! [Back to Wilma and her normal voice:] I swear, sometimes he acts like a little boy! Anyway, Wilma, what’s wrong, dear?

Sister Wilma: I just need to know what to do about Norman. I’m really starting to resent him and if he doesn’t stop shutting me out – well, let’s just say I’m running out of options at this point.

Sister Kay: Girl, say no more! I know exactly what the problem is. Don’t you know that the Bible says somewhere that the Proverbs 31 woman is a meek and quiet woman?

Sister Wilma: I thought that was in 1 Peter Chapter 3—

Sister Kay: Whatever. Don’t interrupt. The point is, you need to stop right now and repent before God. Just submit to Norman no matter what, and let it go like it says there in, uh, in the New Testament somewhere. You know, “weary not in well-doing and in due season, your husband will come around.” Trust me, I’ve been a Christian a long time, I know what I’m talking about.

Sister Wilma: That’s not what it says—

Sister Kay: Look, as long as he’s doing what he’s supposed to be doing – you know, working, coming home at night, and providing food, shelter and jewelry – then all you need to do is just die to self like the Bible says. That’s right, that’s how I got Deacon Don so trained – although he has been out with his buddies a lot lately…

Sister Wilma: But Kay, listen, God gave me real feelings that I just can’t ignore anymore, not to mention a brain to think for myself with, and eyes to see when things just aren’t right. It sounds like you’re saying that God wants me to use these things – my heart and my mind – in every area of my life but the most important one: my marriage. Is that really what the Bible means about dying to self? And can I really train my husband?!

Sister Kay: Oh, absolutely, you can train your man. If nothing else, withhold sex from him. That’ll teach him.

Sister Wilma: But what about my other ques—

Sister Kay: What’s that, Wilma? Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention. Preachers of L.A. is on. What did you say?

Sister Wilma: Never mind. Thanks, Kay. You’ve certainly given me something to, um, think about. Thanks for the, uh, help.

[They hang up, then Sister Kay immediately calls Sister Mildred:] Girl, you won’t believe this but Wilma and Norman are getting a divorce!

This fictional but all too real chick Kay is just as bad as the women who outright bulldoze over their men. What both types of women have in common is this: they can potentially chase a good man away.

The real problem is, both types of women don’t love God more than they love themselves. If they did, they would honor their men from the heart and not just by lip service. They would respect his leadership. They would put his needs before their own, doing unto him as they demand he do unto them. They would have what Matthew Henry calls “a composed, calm and quiet spirit” which he says “renders a woman truly beautiful and lovely.”

What would most godly Christian men prefer in the long run? A woman who’s fine to look at but hard to live with? Or a woman whose truest beauty emanates from the adornment she takes care to nurture on the inside? Besides, how can happiness last after that fine flesh starts to fade?

A good, lasting relationship – one that honors God – takes a good Christian woman and a good Christian man both aligning their attitudes and desires to what the Lord says is most important, putting their Christian character as first priority and then letting that show in how they treat each other.

So, to all the passive-aggressive Kays and outright bulldozers who leave their good men laid out flat, I want to close with the following list of various ways to chase a good man away. This list is derived from “32 Ways to Destroy Your Marriage” that I got from a Titus 2 Workshop by Christown Women’s Bible Study in Phoenix, Arizona.

How to Chase a Good Man…Away

  1. Be his “holy spirit.”
  2. Be his “mother.”
  3. Correct him, especially in front of others.
  4. Try to change him.
  5. Keep him humble.
  6. Cry a lot.
  7. Don’t worry about your appearance.
  8. Give him the silent treatment.
  9. Make cutting, belittling remarks.
  10. Talk too much.
  11. Don’t show interest in what he likes.
  12. Be generally irritable and complain.
  13. Nag, nag, nag.
  14. Compare him with other men.
  15. Make him pay for past mistakes.
  16. Get him to communicate by arguing with him.
  17. Create a sloppy atmosphere at home.
  18. Never compliment him.
  19. Always make love to your husband in the dark; never let him see you naked.
  20. Let your marriage bedroom be a catch-all.
  21. Don’t get excited about lovemaking (again, for married couples).
  22. Always be a wife, never a girlfriend.
  23. Compare him unfavorably with your father.
  24. Be indifferent to him.
  25. Reveal his secrets to others.
  26. Use sex as a weapon, punishment or revenge (again, in marriage)
  27. Call him sloppy or disgusting.
  28. Never tell him, “I was wrong,” “I’m sorry” or “You’re right.”
  29. Say, “You always” and “You never.”
  30. Don’t go with him when he asks.

Let me know if you need clarification on anything!