Tag Archive: God’s Leading Ladies

A Lady First: Being a Pastor’s Wife

Reality TV makes a mockery of Christianity and I as a pastor’s wife am embarrassed and fed up. Not just for what these so-called docu-series are doing to open up our Faith to ridicule, but also for what a lot of pastors’ wives are doing in real “real life” that only perpetuates the problem.

And why do they always have to be Black, most of them? As an African-American pastor’s wife myself (okay, half, whatever), that just adds insult to injury.

True enough, TLC cancelled “The Sisterhood” (winter 2013) after only one season due to major outcry from the Christian community. But then Oxygen’s “Preachers of L.A.” came around just six months later and was popular enough to be renewed for a second season. Plus, I hear there are to be spin-offs in other major cities like Atlanta and Detroit. And now there’s word that a new reality show, “Preachers’ Exes,” is shopping for a network channel.

Overall, these shows and the professing Christians on them are embarrassing and misleading. Not all pastors are about the bling. And not all pastor’s wives are arrogant, entitled, self-centered, aloof, patronizing, untouchable, I-can-do-what-I-want-I’m-the-first-lady, got-to-be-the-best-dressed, elitist, biblically illiterate, selectively loving, gossipping busybodies.

But a lot of us are.

I’m not saying that every pastor’s wife on “The Sisterhood” and “Preachers of L.A.” are all of these things. I don’t know any of them personally (being among the Facebook friends of a couple of them doesn’t count). On the show, some were worse than others and, thankfully, two or three of them weren’t really any of these things (except biblically illiterate).

But the majority of these women represent a lot of pastors’ wives who covet the title and position of “first lady in the church” (a long-held tradition in the Apostolic and other churches predominantly in the African-American community) — often being groomed for it from the time they were little girls. And it’s to the ultimate detriment of the local church and the women, especially the young women, who aspire to be just like them.

Special attention and favor do inevitably come with being married to the most visible and respected person in the local church. The problem is when pastors’ wives get all caught up in the hype instead of gently resisting the congregation’s natural tendency to put them on a pedestal. Allowing yourself to be called “First Lady” in the first place is the beginning of that problem. (Read my Why I’m Reluctant page and Name Calling page to see why I would even dare call myself that in the title of this blog.)

I’m thinking about two examples. First is Myesha Chaney, married to Pastor Wayne Chaney of Antioch Church of Long Beach, California, featured on “Preachers of L.A.” (See my post Naming Names for the biblical basis for why I would, well, name names.) Part of their storyline was that he needed a second in command and she wanted the job. When he hesitated, partly because the church board was against the nepotism and partly because of his own concerns about whether she could balance it with motherhood and her other existing responsibilities, she started crying. Her husband then, um, submitted.

Not to belittle Mrs. Chaney’s real feelings, but with all due respect, I wouldn’t feel secure at a church where it seems that: 1) the second in command is easily moved to tears when she doesn’t get her way; 2) the senior pastor is easily moved by those tears because it’s his wife; 3) the senior pastor’s wife shows such lack of trust in and Godly compliance with his leadership of her, their family and their church; and 4) the senior pastor submits to his wife and not the other way around when it comes to a major matter of the church, which makes me wonder how much she was maybe already kind of running things behind the scenes before this and at the church family’s expense.

This is even before I mention the fact that God did not ordain for women to be in authority over men in the first place. But that’s another article (or two) for another time.

The second example is Lady Bridget Hilliard, wife of Pastor I.V. Hilliard of New Light Christian Center in Houston, Texas. For her 50th birthday a few years ago, the church’s website had a microsite inviting people to her party for a $100 per person admission price. The party planning committee even included a list of suggested gift ideas, making it plain that Mrs. Hilliard deserved nothing less than “monetary gifts, designer handbags (Gucci, Chanel and Louis Vitton) and gift certificates (Neiman Marcus, Saks Fifth Avenue, Escade).” (Houston Press article, February 9, 2006). Mrs. Hilliard was already driving a Bentley with the license plate, “Mrs. Attitude.” (Guess what her husband’s said.) Enough said.

That party’s old news by now, of course, and I read the microsite was taken down shortly after the Houston Press article came out. What I have not read anywhere is whether or not the Hilliards ever apologized for it or retracted that gifts list. I’m not saying they never did apologize; I’m just saying, in all the reading I did do in my research, I didn’t read anything that said they had.

Maybe now I’m the one who sounds arrogant, elitist, unloving and gossipy. And jealous. Let me briefly address all that. It’s important you know my heart before I continue.

Firstly, am I arrogant or elitist? See my Who She Think She Is? page. Anything I think I know is not because I think I have any superior insight or privileged wisdom. All I have is the same degree of access to reality shows and The Word Network, the Internet and Google, and — most importantly of all — the Holy Bible as anybody else; and I have been given the same basic degree of intelligence, common sense and potential ability to discern as most people; and I am therefore no more capable than anybody else to just, simply, make reasonable observations about things and evaluate how those things measure up against the test of the final authority of God’s Word.

Indeed, this very blog is intended, not to prove anything about myself, but to prove that all of us have the ability to think for ourselves about our Faith and our churches. This, in spite of the fact that, as I’ve said elsewhere, it’s going to ruffle some feathers in a lot of church hats. If that’s what it takes, so be it.

Am I gossiping? No, because I’m only talking about what was done publicly, and my assessment of it is my personal opinion based on my comparison of it against the Scriptures. I’m not addressing anything that isn’t already public knowledge.

Am I being unloving. No, because telling truthful observations about someone and loving them are not mutually exclusive. If they put themselves out there (on television and their websites), as long as I’m not calling them out their name or slandering (lying about) them, then no one can conclude I don’t love them. Am I aware what I’m saying could hurt their or their followers’ feelings and therefore that’s how I could be unloving? No, even then, my hope is that those women and their followers will be ultimately helped out of this faulty and potentially dangerous way of thinking in the church. Any short-term hurt is outweighed by that long-term goal. And that long-term goal is very loving, indeed.

Am I jealous? Hmm. Jealous of what? Material things? Status? Attention? Prominence? Popularity? If my focus were on me, if I were a “first lady” and a “Mrs. Attitude” like Bridget Hilliard, then of course being jealous and competitive would come with the territory. But I don’t want the title “First Lady.” Calling myself “Mrs. Davis” is plenty satisfying enough, thank you very much.

Furthermore, I don’t covet material things and all the rest. Sure, I like nice things, and sure, who doesn’t like at least a little attention. But these are things the carnal man desires, while God says that life does not consist in the abundance of one’s possessions (Luke 12:15), don’t store up for yourselves treasures on earth (Matthew 6:19), and be content (1 Timothy 6:6-8). In other words, balance. Biblical balance. I love and fear Almighty God too much, and my burden to warn Christian women is too heavy (see 2 Timothy 3:6), for me to be secretly pining for whatever those “First Ladies” have that I don’t have.

Here’s why I’m embarrassed and fed up with the whole “First Lady in the church” thing — whether it’s a pastor’s wife’s title or just her attitude:

Too many “First Ladies” fail to see that being a pastor’s wife is a privilege, not an entitlement. It’s a calling, not a status level. It’s a position of support and service, not of being served. It’s an opportunity for you to bless, not control. It’s about modeling a pricelessly adorned spirit, not the latest Gucci handbag. It’s a responsibility to give God all the glory, not share His glory with your husband and yourself. They fail to see it, and like sheep being led astray, their congregations fail to see it, too.

I’ve been a pastor’s wife for more than 21 years. With all of its perks come a lot of pitfalls, this I know first-hand. That’s why I also know, don’t seek to be a pastor’s wife unless you know you’re called by God. Be careful what you ask for, because if your pastor husband is going to do his job right, you as his biggest supporter and disciple are going to have to do your job right.

That means, first lady, you’re going to have to endure a lot of sacrifice, scrutiny, tests and trials, second-guessing, attacks on your marriage and family, hurt and pain, and loneliness. The fruits of the Spirit — love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Galatians 6:22-24) — will have to be in operation on double-time. And let me throw in Galatians 6:26 for good measure: “Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying one another.”

Of course, being a pastor’s wife also means being blessed to serve and help, to see the fruit of your labor in teaching and guiding your precious sisters and young women (Titus 2:3-5), and first and foremost being a fitting helpmate to your husband’s work in his ministry witnessing to lost souls and discipling believers into growing in their Faith.

In short, don’t seek after being a “first lady.” Be a “lady first.” (Thank you for that, Brother Lawrence E. Webb.)

A “lady first” is a woman (pastor’s wife or not) after God’s own heart. First.

Then it’s the heart of her husband, then her children (yes, after the husband), then the people in the church, then the larger community. Like the Proverbs 31 woman (verses 10-31), such a lady is content with her husband and children giving her honor even if no one else ever does (cf. verses 28-29). Moreover, it’s her good deeds — not her title, position, possessions or fashion style — that garner admiration outside her home (verses 30-31).

Similarly, a “lady first” strives to do what women are instructed in Titus 2:3-5: be mindful of their awesome responsibility to younger women, live holy lives, avoid idolatry, don’t gossip, teach biblical things, be level-headed, love and yield to their husbands, prefer and nurture their children, and make the home a pleasant, well-managed and healthy refuge for the family and guests.

Actually, verse 5 of Titus 2 is the only place in the Bible where it tells women in particular to not open up the Word of God to be blasphemed — maligned, cheapened, dishonored, discredited. How did/do most of the pastors’ wives on “The Sisterhood,” “Preachers of L.A.” and those you know or heard of personally, publicly live out that clear admonition?

Being a pastor’s wife called by God and not your ego, calls for being a lady first. And being a lady first, well, that’s hard enough as it is, I have to admit! (Or is it just me?!) It’s a constant striving already to be the Proverbs 31/Ephesians 5/Titus 2/1 Peter 3 woman even without the added responsibility of supporting a husband’s ministry.

But being a lady first, more than being a first lady, is what is most beautiful in the eyes of your husband, your children, your fellow church members and, most importantly of all, your Heavenly Father.

I welcome your comments and will respond as soon as I can.

Naming Names

It’s time for me to name-drop. I’ll start by just going ahead and publicly saying it was psychologist and relationships expert Dr. Ron Elmore at T.D. Jakes’ “God’s Leading Ladies” conference at the Forum in Los Angeles in 2004 that I refer to in “Don’t Be Silly.” This present post attempts to explain why I would name names of public figures in the professing Christian church, showing there is precedence for doing so in the Bible and equal urgency to do so in this day and age.

When it comes to naming names particularly in Christian leadership, please understand for the record that it is not because of anything I might have against them personally. For instance, I don’t know Ron Elmore or T.D. Jakes personally, have never interacted with them on a personal level, and don’t know anyone who has. Rather, the purpose of naming names is strictly in the context of exposing false doctrine or deceptive leadership in defense of the truth of God’s Holy Word so that fellow believers are protected.

Please also understand that I’m not expressing just mere personal opinion but am relying on the Word of God to support what I say. Furthermore, in cases involving a leader’s more personal sin or character flaw, I may mention the sin or flaw but not mention his or her name or ministry unless clearly allowable by God’s Word.

When I do name names to expose false doctrine or other deception, most often it will be in the context of what an individual has said publicly, especially in a teaching or preaching capacity. The reason is to make people aware of it and warn them about its dangers. Many of those I mention are widely accepted as representatives of true Christianity. But just a simple review of what they teach clearly reveals the gross contradictions. Not only is some of their most popular doctrine unsound, it also often denies the essentials of the faith, as in the case of T.D. Jakes’ modalistic view of the Trinity and Creflo Dollar’s teaching on our supposed equality with God.

(Modalism in effect denies the triune nature of God. It says God has revealed Himself in “modes” — first as the Father in creation (Old Testament), then the Son in redemption (New Testament), and now the Holy Spirit in regeneration (post-Christ’s resurrection). It holds that the three Persons of the Godhead do not co-exist simultaneously. Please see my Statement of Faith page for Scriptures that prove the opposite. Creflo Dollar has implied numerous times — my husband has watched his Wor(l)d Changers broadcast for years — that believers are also divine, even though the Bible clearly states in both the Old and New Testaments that there are no other gods besides Almighty God.)

I will also expose individual leaders’ misrepresentations of the truth in other contexts of potential harm to my fellow believers, such as when it relates to the person’s own personal sin or character issue, or when he or she commits slander (i.e., false witness) against fellow Christians or makes major ministry decisions without thorough investigation and spiritual discernment from God (e.g., giving pulpit teaching time to non-Christian and even anti-Christian speakers).

Mentioning names in a negative light for the purpose of exposing and thereby protecting the sheep of God from doctrinal error and spiritual deception, is a clearly established precedent in the Bible. Consider the following divinely inspired passages:

Galatians 2:11-14 — The Apostle Paul names the Apostle Peter for doctrinal error and hypocrisy. This is particularly significant since Peter was the seasoned apostle, one of the original Twelve, the one whom Jesus Himself called the “rock” upon which He would build His Church. This might be an example of what I talk about in my blog post, The Emperor Has No Clothes!

1 Timothy 1:20 — Paul mentions Hymenaeus and Alexander as blasphemers.

2 Timothy 2:17 — Paul specifically names Hymanaeus (a second time) and Philetus as false teachers.

2 Timothy 4:10 — Demas is mentioned as being too worldly.

2 Timothy 4:14 — Paul claims Alexander the coppersmith wronged him personally.

Titus 2 — Chapter One describes the Cretans as chronic liars.

3 John 9-11 — John warns the church about Diotrephes.

Along with this precedence established by the divinely inspired Bible writers of mentioning people by name in order to warn believers, we have these additional Bible passages to reinforce the urgency:

“Now I urge you, brethren, note those who cause divisions and offenses contrary to the doctrine which you have learned, and avoid them. For those who are such do not serve our Lord Jesus Christ, but their own belly, and by smooth words and flattering speech deceive the hearts of the simple.”
– Romans 16:17-18

Beware lest anyone cheat you through philosophy and empty deceit, according to the tradition of men, according to the basic principles of the world, and not according to Christ.”
– Colossians 2:8

Let no one defraud you of your reward, taking delight in false humility and worship of angels, intruding into those things which he has not seen, vainly puffed up by his fleshly mind, and not holding fast to the Head …”
– Colossians 2:18-19a

“My brethren, let not many of you become teachers, knowing that we shall receive a stricter judgment.”
– James 3:1

Clearly, it wasn’t wrong for the divinely inspired writers of the Bible to warn believers in their day by mentioning individuals by name, and indeed it was crucial that they did.

Of course, I am notsaying or implying that I or any other lay Christian is on the same level as the inspired writers of the Bible. Not at all! But, as the above Scriptures and others show, it is also not wrong for any honest and humble adherent to the truth of God’s Word to follow those writers’ example, as long as the motive is not personal but is in obedience to the will and calling of God.

Ephesians 4:11-14 compels all followers of Jesus Christ to be aware of and vigilant against false doctrine and false leaders for the sake of the spiritual well-being and growth of every member of His Church. It says,

“And He Himself gave some to be apostles, some prophets, some evangelists, and some pastors and teachers, for the equipping of the saints for the edifying of the body of Christ, till we all come to the unity of the faith and the knowledge of the Son of God, to a perfect man, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ: that we should no longer be children, tossed to and fro and carried about with every wind of doctrine by the trickery of men, in the cunning craftiness by which they lie in wait to deceive

Therefore, please know in advance, I will not be moved to “cease and desist” by anyone’s socially, experientially or tradition-derived subjective opinions, especially in light of what the objective revelation — that is, the Bible — clearly teaches. 

Of course, I welcome your thoughts, including if you disagree. Please share scriptures to support your opposing position, just as I have done to support my position. Leave a comment and I will reply as soon as I can.

 

Don’t Be Silly!

He was a very skillful motivational speaker. Clearly, he was making the most of his expertise in psychology as he worked the packed arena of women whom he knew were sick and tired of being sick and tired. You could tell why he was the opening act of the two and a half day conference. It was masterful.

He told them, “In your home, you are the candle and your man is the candle holder.” “Alright, alright!”, affirmed many in the crowd as he held above his head a beautiful pillar candle in one hand and a strong, ornate candle holder in the other.

“Now remember,” he continued, “a candle is a complete and whole candle with or without a candle holder” — “Amen!” — “and a candle holder is still a candle holder with or without a candle.”

Then he said, “Now, the role of a candle is to light up the room” — “Say that!” — “and the role of the candle holder is to support that which is designed to give light.” The women knew where he was going with this and they were more than happy to be taken for the ride. ” ‘Cause when you put the two together,” which the speaker then proceeded to do, “the candle holder lifts up the candle, putting her on the pedastal she deserves!” Thousands of women were on their feet with that one, as the speaker dramatically rested the candle on the candle holder, walked over to a tall table, and positioned the pair at center, right under a glorious spotlight. “Yes! Thank You, Jesus!”

But he wasn’t done.

Next thing you knew, the entire arena went dark. After a moment, you saw a small flicker of light; the speaker had a lighter in his hand. As he slowly brought the flame closer and closer to the candle to ignite it, he explained that the flame represented the Holy Spirit, and now that the candle and her dutiful candle holder were in proper position, the Holy Spirit could then come down and impart light upon her so that the whole home could be blessed.

Wow. Well done. Women were literally dancing in the aisles, shouting their Hallelujah’s.

Who can blame them? Finally, women’s empowerment takes center stage. Finally, it’s out of the shadows and into the light — no more obscurity from being overlooked, under-appreciated, and taken advantage of. Finally, a man “gets it.” As one young lady said at the end of that first night, “I’m not here to learn about God. I just want to know how to deal with that man!”

Women are rightfully fed up. We’ve had to give so much to our men (if they stick around) and our kids for what seems so little in return. So, we are ripe for this kind of recognition. And this speaker and the televangelist behind the conference knew it. The best way for me to describe it: they knew how to hit their “spiritual G-spot” for women who, as I said, are sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Too bad these women had just been lied to.

Understand my heart. Just because it speaks to your frustrations, just because it resonates with your worn-out spirit, just because it goes along with what you think already, just because it makes you feel better about yourself, does not make it true, right or even good for you. Maybe, just maybe, it does all those things for the very purpose of manipulating your emotions so that you’ll keep spending money on conferences, books and dvd’s. In exchange, you’re learning a false hope that causes you to appreciate your man less while you expect him to appreciate you more, which in turn only perpetuates the cycle of discontent.

This conference is a quintessential, real life instance of what 2 Timothy 3:6-7 describes about the perilous times to come in the last days: “For of this sort [see verses 1 through 5] are they which creep into houses, and lead captive silly women laden with sins, led away with divers [various] lusts, Ever learning, but never able to come to the knowledge of the truth.”

“I’m not here to learn about God” — even though the word “God” is in the title of the conference — “I just want to know how to deal with that man!”

Please, my precious sisters! Don’t be silly!

Let me explain with the Bible how what the speaker was saying was a lie (whether he realized it or not):

Firstly, God specifically created woman to be a suitable helper to the man, not the other way around (Genesis 2:18,20). Our men certainly can and should help, support and honor us (e.g., 1 Peter 3:7), but not to the point of flipping God’s perfect script on marital roles. As 1 Corinthians 11:9 says, “for indeed man was not created for the woman’s sake, but woman for the man’s sake.” We need to see the value of our special God-given role, not resent it.

Secondly, in a Christian marriage where both spouses are believers, the Holy Spirit does not bless the home exclusively through the wife. Of course, there are moments in any marriage when the wife is more receptive to the Spirit when her husband isn’t. But the reverse occurs a lot, too. To imply that the Holy Spirit guides or imparts wisdom to the Christian home primarily through the wife is completely illogical given all the Scriptures that say the man is the head of the home, husbands are to teach their wives to be holy and blameless before the Lord, and wives are the ones who are to yield (e.g., 1 Corinthians 11:3ff; Ephesians 5:22-33; 1 Peter 3:1-6; etc.).

Lastly, this sort of recognition borders on idolatry (Galatians 6:3), where you nurture your frustrations and lusts for recognition more than you nurture your growth as a daughter of the Most High. Besides, one of the characteristics of the Proverbs 31 woman (verses 10 through 31) is that her husband is well-known in the community (verse 23). Sounds like that old adage, behind every good man is a good woman. Perhaps that’s what verse 31 means when it says that her own good works will bring her praise, because she contributes to her husband’s good reputation. In any case, she should be content to receive praise from her own family (verses 28, 29), and by all means they should be sure to give it to her. But her biggest priority, one that is most praiseworthy and therefore far more important than her feminine appeal, is her fear of the Lord (verse 30).

My heart truly and deeply grieves for women who get taken captive by titillating words that appeal to our egos as well as our hardships. These speakers know women’s hot buttons and are happy to tell them what they want to hear instead of what God truly wants to give them, because putting you up on an idolatrous pedastal is much more financially lucrative than teaching you to willfully submit to your husbands.

I’ll close with this final observation about this conference:  I was there myself (for research purposes), at its Los Angeles stop one year. On the second day, one of the speakers gave an excellent talk, based on her equally excellent book, about single Christian women finding completeness in their relationship with God. I later mentioned to her during her book signing afterwards — well, I kind of blurted it out, admittedly — that so far her presentation was the only one that used Scriptures in proper context. I meant it to encourage her, but I was too blunt for the setting (it’s okay on my blog, just saying!) and so I don’t think it left the kind of mark I honestly intended.

Later that afternoon the main attraction, the televangelist, gave a climatic presentation about labor pains, giving birth to your dreams, ditching unsuccessful people, increasing your status, and fulfilling your destiny. That previous speaker must have told him what I said to her because, once he had worked up the audience to yet another emotional frenzy, as his commanding presence went back and forth across the stage anticipating the ebb and flow of squeals, this Christian televangelist made this out-of-nowhere statement: “If you came here thinking this conference was about God, you’re wrong!”

Well, despite the conference title, he certainly got that one right.